Honey, I'm Pregnant
by danceonthebrink
Summary: After a rapid weight gain and a malfunctioning pregnancy test, Alfred F. Jones is convinced that he is going to become a mother. And England is the father. USUKUS (Not an mpreg.) Abandoned.
1. Chapter 1

**In case you didn't read the description, NOT AN MPREG. Rated for crack, mild sexual content, swearing, yaoi. And, whoa, my first non-human au fic. Also my first first person POV fic! (Achievements, you guys. If this was a game I'd have unlocked like five.)**

 **Disclaimer: still don't own Hetalia :(**

 **[Chapter 1:]**

England's POV

It had been too long. America has been rattling on for the past few hours about utterly pointless things, and I'd just about had enough. I probably looked a bit too eager as Alfred slowly unbuttoned his shirt, sensually sliding his fingers along the cotton… But hey. Even gentlemen needed to get down and dirty every so often.

I gazed at him through half-lidded eyes. "You don't need to do that, love." I slid off the bed and towards him, gently pushing his hands away and kneeling down in front of him. He gasped as I palmed him through his jeans, then swiftly removed his shirt. I eyed his stomach for a while.

"You've certainly put on a lot of weight." I said, finally.

"Haha! No way, man. This is just muscle." He flexed. He certainly had well built biceps, but you could hardly say the same for his abdomen.

"Mmhm. I'm sure." I poked the pudge, slightly amused at the way it jiggled. "You could probably pass as pregnant by looks of it." I joked. "I mean, you definitely weren't this… voluptuous last time we did it. Which was only a couple of weeks ago, if I do recall correctly.""Wha- stop being so mean!" My boyfriend wrapped his arms around his stomach and scowled threateningly- well, as threatening as he could get. It was America, after all. "Or else you won't be gettin' any."

"Oh, that's quite alright. I wouldn't want to put too much on your body… You wouldn't want to risk getting worn out, hmm?" I teased.

"I won't get worn out! I have amazing heroic stamina! If anything, you'll be the one getting worn out…" He cast a sly look in my direction.

"Ah, are you sure? I heard one of the nasty side effects of obesity is premature ejaculation." The blond spluttered, his face turning a furious red.

"Don't- are you- what are you talking about?! I wouldn't... Jeez! What's wrong with you- I'm not obese, Christ- and I definitely won't be cuming the earliest! How could you even… Arghhh!" He stumbled over his words. "Fine. I hope you have fun with your hand. Wouldn't want to ruin sex with my obeseness." He said indignantly, then stormed off.

"Probably to sulk in the kitchen." I said to myself, chuckling.

I felt a tiny bit bad at picking fun at what was obviously an insecurity. In all honesty, I found his baby fat rather cute. He was also quite cute when he was flustered. (I didn't just think that, if anyone asks.)

Besides, he'd just bounce back in the morning. He was pretty much immune to insults.

I heard a car door slam. Oh. Okay. Maybe not then. I grimaced slightly, hoping that my boyfriend would be okay. I really needed to stop saying such stupid things.

* * *

"Hey! Arthur! Wake up, dude. I have super exciting news!" I groaned and forced my eyes open. It was still dark, what on earth did that bloody idiot thinks he was doing? I sat up, trying to collect myself. Which wasn't easy to do, considering it was- a quick glance at the alarm- 4:53am.

"You better have a good reason for waking me up before nine on a weekend." I grumbled, my voice slightly groggy. "And I thought you left last night?"

"We're going to have a baby, Arthur! And you're the father!" I stared at my spouse for a while. Why did I ever think it would be a good idea to date such a… Ugh. It was much too early to think of a good word. I flopped back down and buried my face in the pillow.

"Hey! Listen to me! This is very important." I suddenly found myself being flipped over. Alfred pouted at me, his blue eyes flickering with- was that worry?

"Go to sleep." I mumbled, pushing him away. He didn't budge. If anything, his grip tightened.

"Aren't you happy? Would you prefer I told you in a better way? Oh crap, I knew I should have thrown a party. I just wanted you to know straight away.. Was I too hasty? Too straight forward? I think-"

"I'm not in the mood for your stupid jokes, Alfred."

"But Artie~" His pout intensified. "You're going to be dad!"

"Don't be so stupid, prat. It's too bloody early, and I'm not going to fall for it." He at least has the decency to look put-out. I was ready to roll back over and catch a few more hours of shuteye, before the assault of words came back in full in force.

"How can you be so cruel?" He demanded, shaking me furiously. "Why are you being like this?"

"Why are you being so ridiculous?" I shot back.

"How do you except me to raise this child alone? It need's a father!" He shook me harder. I mentally berated myself for never bothering to teach him how to control his strength- I knew it would one day come back to bite me in the but. It felt as though my brain was rattling against my skull.

"Leave me alone." I pleaded.

"Fine. I would have thought you would be more sympathetic." He sniffed. "Don't think you won't get out of paying child support."

"Do you even _have_ child support, America?"

"I do so!" He yelled. "Just you wait. All your money will drain away, and every penny you spend will be a second that you never got with to spend with our beautiful son or daughter. You'll live with a regret larger than the sum of money you'll have to pay… by order of the law. And every night you'll dream about what how you missed out on such a wonderful family life, and…"

I tuned out his nonsense and went back to sleep.

* * *

Later, I woke up at 10:30, feeling spectacular and well rested but slightly put out by the fact I had missed out on a good portion of the morning. I didn't bother getting dressed and made my way to kitchen in search of a good cup of tea.

Half way through the process of waiting for the water to boil, a familiar blond trudged in and went straight to the fridge. I watched him for a while, a little unsure if he was still continuing with his silly joke. If he was, I wasn't going to speak to him.

However, after a long moment of silence I quickly realised that I had to be the one to initiate conversation. "How are you today, Alfred?" I asked, testing the waters.

He glanced over, eyes briefly skimming over my form before closing the fridge. "Oh, I'm good. No morning sickness today, luckily."

…

"Why are you looking at me like that?"

I sighed heavily, rubbing my temple. "Are you honestly continuing this joke? I would have thought you had cut it out by now." Breaking my own rule by speaking to him, mind you.

"It's not a joke, Iggy." He insisted. "This is completely truly real."

"Use proper grammar, you twat, and my proper name. Also, you're not pregnant."

"I am! You said so yourself!"

"And when was that, pray tell?"

"The other day- yesterday, actually- you said, 'Ah, Alfred m'lad, you're so fat! You must be pregnant! Bah humbug bloody hell.' Or something like that." I cringed at the awful attempt of a British accent. How dare he butcher my articulate way of speaking with such a horrible mockery..

"I do not speak like that! And besides, I only said that you look pregnant- not that you actually were."

"Yes, I thought so to, but then I started to wonder… What if I actually was? I mean, it's been about three or four months since you last topped, and that's usually when women start to get rounder-"

"My point exactly. _Women_ get rounder. Not men. And certainly not nations."

"So I decided to take a pregnancy test, y'know?" He continued to babble on, ignoring me. "It was totally awkward, buying it and all, but I couldn't just order one online… It would take too long!"

"Are you even listening to me?"

"So after watching a few YouTube tutorials, I figured out what to do, and, guess what, it was positive! I also didn't end up getting very much sleep last night…"

"… I can't believe you did all of that." I glanced at him through my fingers, which and had made their way to my forehead again. He had an oblivious expression on, just like always. "Wait, yes I can. Did you ever think about the possibility that it may have malfunctioned?"

"Malfunctioned?" Alfred seemed to consider this for a moment. "Pfft, of course not, it was American! And everyone knows that American things are the best in the world~"

"Oh, blimey.."

"'Specially snuggies, amirite? So warm and toasty. Just like the bun in my oven, ahaha! I'll probably wear my snuggie everywhere when I get into the late months. My clothes definitely won't fit by then."

I added 'do not use metaphors around Alfred' onto my mental not-to-do list, then began to ignore him in favour of making tea. _This is what you get for dating him_ , I reminded myself. _You set yourself up for idiocy from the very start._

"Hehe, I'm so excited!" He giggled. "Lets convert your spare room into a nursery! You never use it for anything, so don't even try to change my mind. It'll be perfect- just needs a little dusting, that's all. I'll do it, since I guess I'm kinda the mum, right? I think we should paint it blue, red and white since both of our flags have those colours! That's gender-neutral, I 'spose. Since red is kinda like pink. Plus then they'd be super patriotic from the moment they're born. I wonder if they'll be more American or British? Ah, who cares, I'll love them either way!"

I slowly stirred my tea while watching him chatter excitedly. His eyes seemed to shine brighter with every word and his smile was so wide I almost feared his face would crack under the strain. Nothing new, of course. He was always smiling and his eyes always twinkled, but I knew that it would stop for a while if I convinced him that we weren't having a child. He was obviously very happy over the prospect of a baby.

Sighing, I knew in my heart I would have to tell him the truth. It would be tough to get it through his thick skull, and once he knew… it would probably hurt him a lot. Oh well, I guess he'd just have to suck it up.

"Alfred, there's something I need to tell you, and I need you to listen very carefully." I interrupted his spiel. "It's very important."

"Ah.. Okey dokey. Can you please make some scones while you do it though? I can't already tell this is gonna take forever, so you may as well do something productive, huh?"

"Okay, I'll just-" I stopped, my brain whirring. "Scones?" He nodded eagerly. I glared. "What for? So you can make fun of my 'terrible' cooking? I don't think so."

"But Art-iiieee! I'm craving them! What the baby wants, the baby must get!"

…

"Artie? Why'dya look so happy?"

"I'll have them ready as soon as possible." I promised.

It wouldn't hurt to play along for a bit, wouldn't it? I mean, it's not like I wanted to see him sad… Christ. This is what I get for falling in love with a git. Well, if he wanted scones, I certainly wasn't going to complain. And it would only be for a little while. He wasn't so stupid as to actually think he had been impregnated, was he? It would wear off.


	2. Chapter 2

**[Chapter 2:]**

"So, I was thinking, like, a fluffy rug here, so in case the baby falls out of their cot in the middle of the night it'll, like, not hurt itself. Right?"

"Um, Poland, I don't think it really works that way…"

"What? Of course it does, Liet. Trust me, I like, know all about babies. Now, we'll have to get Sweden and maybe a couple of the other Nordics in here to like, pick out furniture."

America had taken it upon himself to invite the two European nations into our house to help us organise the nursery. Neither of them even bothered to question Alfred's 'we're expecting', though Lithuania had looked a bit confused.

Obviously, Alfred had not yet realised that he wasn't pregnant, despite it being a week since he first established the idea. I was a little concerned.

"And I've got, like, a ton of cute dresses that I'm totally willing to give away, coz, they don't fit."

"We don't know if it's a boy or a girl yet, Felix." Lithuania said politely.

"Your point being…?"

…

"Do I even want to know why you own dresses that are ten times too small for you, when you haven't been a child yourself for centuries?" I questioned tiredly.

"Uhm, they were adorable as hell, that's why. I couldn't just not buy them, god. And I was pretty sure that someone sooner or later was going to like, have a baby, right? And then I could just give them to whoever, and lookie, turns out my idea worked. Don't question me, suka."

The blond paused only to flipped hair over his shoulder and send me a pointed glare. I tried to ignore the fact that a man wearing gold hoop earrings and a sparkly tank top had managed to intimidate me.

"Anyways, I also have a pair of these little booties that are, like, the cutest things since the tiny feet that they're supposed to go on."

"Wow! That sounds great! I think I'll ask Australia for some Uggs, too!"

"No! Those things are, like, a crime against fashion! Don't you dare. France has plenty of cute clothes though."

Lithuania and I both were equally dismayed at where the conversation was heading (again) so I took it upon myself to excuse us to the kitchen.

"So," Lithuania said after awhile of awkward silence. "You're 'expecting', huh?" I nodded grimly, fiddling with the table cloth.

"Are you adopting?" I cringed, then shook my head.

"Err… Not exactly. Alfred is- Well, he has a bun in the oven, so to speak. Or, at least he thinks he does." I watched as a small smile spread across the brunet's face. Then, he stifled a giggle.

"I know, I know." I sighed, rolling my eyes. "He's being utterly ridiculous. He's actually convinced himself of it, too. Git."

"I think it's rather endearing, actually." Lithuania confessed. "He's very young, isn't he? It shows. He's practically a child."

"Yes, no need to remind me." I huffed. It always annoyed me when someone pointed out our age gap.

"I mean, it's not necessarily a bad thing," he continued. "His innocence always amuses me. How on earth did he come to the conclusion that he was pregnant?" I grinned unwillingly, the past day's happenings still fresh in my mind.

"It's an awfully long story," I admitted. "I'll have to embarrass Alfred with it as soon as this whole thing blows over." Lithuania giggled.

"Why are you going along with this, if I may ask?"

"…I'm not too sure, actually. I think I'm just going to wait it out, see what happens."

"But-" Lithuania was interrupted by a shout from the other room.

"Artie! I have a request!" Alfred strode into the room, hands on his hips. I raised an eyebrow.

"Call Francis! And Hungary, and the Italy bros, and Japan, and Belgium- actually, on second thought, call all the girl nations you know. Except Belarus. Also the Nordics."

"Why are you calling so many people, America?" Lithuania asked. "It will probably take a long time to contact everyone."

Alfred's eyes widened. "You're right! I'll send out a mass email." He whipped out his phone.

"Oh no you don't!" I intervened, snatching his phone away.

"Arthur! Don't be mean!" He whined, making grabby hands. I shook my head.

"You are not getting more people involved in this mess. I will not allow it."

"I want a baby shower though!"

"No."

"Why not?"

Well, the obvious reason was _Alfred was not pregnant_. But he did not know that. After some consideration, I said, "If you tell people, they'll know you bottomed."

…

"Crap! Holy shit Iggy, you're right! What do I do?"

"How about not telling people?"

"But… But! The baby shower!"

"You, like, _must_ have a baby shower!" Poland yelled from the other room. America nodded in agreement.

"I'll send an email. Wow, my friends are gonna be so pleased!" He rushed to the other side of the room, only after yanking his iPhone out of my grasp. I blankly watched him type furiously. Minutes later, my own cellphone vibrated, as did Lithuania's.

 **From:** _herosand_

 **To:** _MrBritishPirate_

 **Subject:** _surprise!_

 _sup dudes! great news! I'm preggers, and Arthur's the father. u can come over 2 his house and feel my stomach if u like._

 _bring presents. :P_

"Alfred." I said carefully, making sure to be loud enough so he could hear. "Please don't tell me you sent this to everyone in your contact list."

"Well, what are you gonna do? It's too hard to scroll through and pick a few names, you know!"

"Alright. And what is your boss going to say about this?" My question was only met by silence.

Right then.

"You," I snatched him up by the ear. "Are in a lot of trouble, mister. What if the press hear about this? You'll have reporters all over you."

"Stawp! I'm not five!" He batted at my hand. "Don't worry, I'll think of something! After all, I am the hero!"

He posed, fist thrust into the air. And stayed like that for a while.

"Umm, aren't you going t-"

"Shh shh shh!" He hushed me. "I have a plan. Follow me, I'll explain it on the way."

I sent Lithuania an exasperated look, then trailed after my annoying boyfriend.

"Well, they're coming to your house, right? So the solution is simple; hide the house!"

"Why did I think for even a second that you would have a good idea for once?"

"We'll get all your sheets- since you have, like, a ton- then cover everything outside. They won't even know that we're here!" He giggled excitedly, then flung the door to my linen cupboard open.

"Oh! You caught me!" A voice that did not belong to either of us chimed in. We both- ahem, _Alfred_ screamed screamed in shock and clung onto me. (I only clung back to comfort him, of course.)

"Wha-wha… Russia?! What are you doing here?" I shrieked.

He was crammed in among the towels and other sheets (God only knows how he got in there the first place), creepy smile set on his pale face.

"Hello comrade!" Russia said cheerfully, wrapping America up in a bear hug.

"Uh, get off me you freak!"

" _Nyet_. You wrote in your letter that I could feel your stomach if I like, am I correct? How can I possibly refuse?"

"That was meant to be a joke." The blond insisted.

"But you know something, _Amerika_ …" Russia leaned closely, his lips almost brushing against Alfred's ear. "I'd prefer it if you were having my babies~"

"Right then!" I intervened, not liking the way the Russian was making my lover squirm. "Ivan, what are you doing in my linen cupboard?"

"Well, _Fredka_ invited me."

"Dude. Isn't your country, like, hours away? How'd you even get here so fast?" Alfred asked, scrunching up his forehead.

Russia was quiet for a moment. "That is none of your concern."

"I think it is! I don't like commies hiding in weird places. Actually, I don't like commies at all. So get out." Russia ignored him and pushed past him, treading into the kitchen. I heard Lithuania scream loudly, and Ivan's signature kolkolkol sound.

"Well, that's what you get for inviting everyone on your contact list." I remarked. Alfred shuddered.

"Uh… was he there the whole time? I think I'm gonna cry…" He placed a protective hand over his stomach. "Don't worry, I'll keep you safe."

"Thank you for your concern." I smiled lightly.

"Nah, not you. I was talking to Virginia."

"Virginia?"

"Yup! I've decided to test out names by randomly saying them. That way we can see if they sound good, and get used to saying the name. Virginia sounds pretty nice, don'cha think?"

"We are not naming our child after one of your states, for crying out loud. And Virginia is exclusively a girl name, last time I checked."

"Hmm.. You're right! We should probably pick a name for a boy AND a girl just in case."

"Any suggestions?"

"Carolina?" He offered. "No, wait, that's a just girl's name.. Dakota?"

"… I said none of your states, did I not?"

"Whoops, haha. Forgot."

"Fucking hell. What about London?"

"Language! Infant ears are listening!" Alfred tightened the hand around his stomach.

"They're not! Your skin is too thick, nothing would be able to hear from inside. Besides, it's ears probably haven't even developed yet."

"Don't call our baby an it!" He exclaimed, looking horrified. "They are a beautiful, living, celestial being~"

"You don't even know what celestial means, do you?"

"Nah. Anyways, London is perfect!"

"Really?" I was actually rather surprised at how fast he accepted. "The first name I suggest is perfect?"

"Everything you say is perfect, Artie~" He smiled charmingly at me, and I felt my heart skip a beat. He was too sweet for his own good.

"Yeah, yeah." I grumbled.

"Make sure you don't say another one, though. I might not be able to choose!"

"I won't."

"Good. Hey, was that the doorbell?"

' _Please be the mailman, please be the mailman, please be the mailman_.' I silently begged.

"Oh _Angleterre_ ~ Open up, _ma chère_! I know you and _Amerique_ are in there~"

I cursed loudly.

* * *

 **Crappy ending is crap :3**

 **In case you were confused; in this universe, humans are aware of the existence of nations. They generally leave them alone tho~**

 **Oh, and about Russia- well, I couldn't just not have at least a tiny bit of RusAme! That's pretty much it tho, I swear!**

 **There's a lot of stuff I don't know about pregnancy, so a lot of the stuff will probably be inaccurate. Hope you don't mind too much~ :)**

 **Also, did anyone catch my Hobby Hobby reference? I know it's lame, but I love that doujinshi!**

 ** _Suka_ \- bitch (Polish)**

 ** _Fredka_ \- Alfred (Russian)**

 **Ma chère- my dear (French)**

 ** _Angleterre_ \- England (French)**


End file.
